Breaking the Blame Game: Letting Go of Parental Guilt for Your Child's Video Game Addiction
I’ve been working with parents of children who are addicted to screens and video games for 7+ years, and one things that is constantly striking me is the depth of caring that parents have for the wellbeing of their children. For this reason, it can be heartbreaking to see how hard parents can be on themselves when their child is struggling. With that being said, it's normal to feel a sense of guilt or responsibility when your child becomes addicted to video games. The truth is, video game addiction is a complicated matter, and while you certainly have influence and an important role in helping your child find balance, there are many factors outside of your parenting abilities that can lead to addiction. In this blog, we’ll be talking more about how to manage the guilt that can come with supporting your children with their video game addictions.
Understanding Parental Guilt
As a parent, it's natural to want to protect your child from harm and to give them everything they need to succeed in life. So, when your child becomes addicted to video games, it's easy to fall into the trap of blaming yourself. You may feel like you failed as a parent or that you could have done something differently to prevent this from happening. This may sound strange, but your guilt makes sense and comes with many benefits. This guilt is often a sign of caring, and also if it’s your fault that things went wrong, you have complete control over changing it. Below is the full list of benefits of feeling guilt:
Guilt can be a sign of caring and wanting to do better
It can motivate parents to take responsibility for taking positive action to help their child
It can lead to increased involvement in a child's life and seeking out resources for help (guilt maybe even motivated you to find this blog!)
Acknowledging guilt can promote self-reflection and personal growth
It can strengthen parent-child relationships by showing empathy and understanding
It can help parents identify areas where they can improve and make positive changes for the future.
With that being said, guilt can also become an overwhelming double-edged sword and lead to negative reactions such as denial, blame-shifting, burn-out, resentment, or avoidance. In addition, simply put, it doesn’t feel nice! The question I would pose to you is: Do you need guilt to get these benefits? Is it a requirement to beat yourself up in order to care for your child, to self-reflect, and to be motivated to take action? While it’s normal to feel guilty and healthy to acknowledge, it becomes less useful the longer it sticks around.
Letting Go: Why it Isn’t Your Fault
Although it's natural to feel guilty, it's important to understand that addiction is a complex issue and that there are a variety of factors that are completely outside of your control that lead to addiction.
Addiction can happen to anyone, regardless of their upbringing or parenting style. Even if you have set limits on your child's gaming time and monitored their activities, and provided love and support, they may still develop an addiction. This is because addiction is a complex and multifaceted issue that is influenced by a variety of factors, including individual temperament, peer pressure and social environment, personality, the development of new and more engaging/addicting technologies, and a culture that normalizes a high amount of screen time.
Addiction is not solely the result of a child's choice or lack of willpower, and you are not a failure as a parent for your child’s difficulties in finding balance. Many factors can contribute to addiction, including genetic, psychological, social, and environmental factors. For example, a child with ADHD may be more susceptible to addiction due to their impulsivity, while a child who struggles with social anxiety may turn to video games as a way to feel safe socializing. I personally was using video games to cope with my experience of anxiety, and while my parents tried to get me support for my worries, I was not yet in a place that I was able to receive it.
One thing that makes it hard for parents to let go of blame is feeling like they won’t be able to help their children if it isn’t their fault. When you look at all the other factors that are involved, it can give a sense of powerlessness and hopelessness. I want to assure you that the role you play is important in helping your child find a balance, and without the burden of blame, you can take only your piece of the responsibility. Paradoxically, many of the parents I work with find themselves being more effective supports for their children when this happens.
How Self-Compassion Helps You Better Support Your Child
Self-compassion is a powerful tool that can help you better support your child through video game addiction. By showing empathy, understanding, and acceptance to yourself, you can take responsibility for only your part and free yourself up to be more present.
Self-compassion can help in several ways, including:
Reducing your own feelings of guilt: By practicing self-compassion, you can reduce your own feelings of guilt and blame, which can free up mental and emotional space for more effective parenting.
Modeling healthy behavior: By treating yourself with self-compassion, you can model healthy behavior and emotional regulation for your child, which can help them develop the same skills.
Reducing burnout: By practicing self-compassion, you can reduce the risk of burnout and emotional exhaustion, which can help you be more present and engaged in your child's recovery.
So what does self-compassion look like? In essence, it’s being kind, yet honest to yourself. Below is an example:
”I know this is a difficult situation, and it's not my fault. I'm doing the best I can as a parent, and while I do have a responsibility to continue to guide my child, I don’t have complete control. I’m certain I’ve made some mistakes, and I can learn from them and keep moving forward. I don’t need to be a perfect parent, just a good enough one who is trying their best.”
Conclusion
In conclusion, video game addiction is a complex issue that can lead parents to feel a sense of guilt or responsibility. While this guilt can be a sign of caring and motivation to take positive action, it can also become overwhelming and counterproductive. It's important for parents to understand that addiction is influenced by many factors outside of their control, and that they are not failures as parents if their child struggles with finding balance. By practicing self-compassion, parents can reduce feelings of guilt and model healthy behavior for their child, ultimately allowing them to be more present and effective in their child's recovery. It's important to remember that being a good enough parent who is trying their best is more than enough.
