Are you Enabling your Child’s Gaming Addiction?: How to Break The Cycle and Find Balance
As a parent, it can be incredibly difficult to watch your child struggle with addiction, especially when it comes to video games. You may feel overwhelmed, helpless, and unsure of what to do next. Many of the parents I’ve worked with have expressed concern about whether or not they’re doing the right thing, whether or not they’re enabling their children, and how they can be supportive while still keeping their children balanced. These concerns are not unfounded; parenting in the digital age is tricky, addictions are a complex issue, and there’s tons of conflicting information out there on how to best support your kids. But take heart - you are not alone, and I’m here to help provide you some support.
In this article, we'll explore the concept of enabling and how it relates to video game addiction. We'll also discuss the fine line between compassionate support and enabling, and provide practical tips on how to break the cycle of enabling and support your child in finding balance.
What is Enabling?
Enabling is a behavior that can inadvertently support and reinforce an addiction, making it more difficult for the addicted person to overcome their addiction. Enabling is a behavior that often stems from good intentions, but can actually be harmful in the long run. Most of the time, when I work with a parent who is enabling, it’s obvious to me that they are simply trying to support their child. For example, a parent might try to reward their child for going to school by giving them video game time, even if they have not done their homework or met their other responsibilities. The parent might do this because they want to make their child happy or encourage them to attend school, but in reality, they are teaching their kid to do the bear minimum necessary to maintain the addiction.
Another example of enabling might be when a parent tries to explain away their child's behavior, such as saying "they're just tired" or "they're going through a rough patch" when in reality, the child's addiction is affecting their schoolwork, relationships, or overall well-being. By doing so, the parent is not addressing the root problem and is instead enabling the addiction to continue. While those things may be true, it doesn’t justify it and still needs action.
Enabling can also take the form of downplaying the seriousness of the addiction. A parent might say things like "it's just a phase" or "all kids do it" in an attempt to normalize the behavior, but this can prevent the child from getting the help they need to overcome their addiction.
Overall, it's important to recognize that enabling comes from a place of love and concern, and it’s important to provide that love and support without enabling. This is a tricky balance, so let’s look at how to strike it.
The Fine Line between Compassionate Support and Enabling
As a parent, it's only natural to want to show empathy and understanding towards your child's struggles. The good news is that you can continue to provide this support while also placing boundaries and escaping the trap of enabling. This is a delicate balance, as often times the things that would make your child feel happy are not the same things that will help them find a balance, and it can be really tough to have your child be so upset. This is a skill I call “Compassionate Boundary Setting”, and I’ll provide some examples of the difference between this and enabling to make it easier to land on the supportive side of the line:Enabling:
Your child is supposed to go to school, complete their homework and chores before playing video games, and they went to school despite not wanting to. You bargain and offer them the option to play games if they do just one assignment, leaving multiple assignments and chores undone.
Compassionate Support:
You understand your child's desire to play video games, but you also want them to complete their responsibilities. You set clear expectations that they need to finish their homework and chores before gaming. You encourage them and appreciate what they’ve done, and stick to the limit.
Enabling:
Your child has been playing video games for hours every day, and you say that it's their way of relaxing and unwinding after a long day.
Compassionate Support:
You recognize that your child's excessive gaming is becoming a problem, and express, “I know it’s a lot of fun for you to play games and I love that you’re enjoying it, and it’s important that you have some balance.” You help provide alternative ways to unwind if they would like, and let them know they can play more games the next day.
Enabling Example:
Your child’s video game and screen use is impacting their social life, their grades, or their health but you don’t want them to feel bad or feel judged. You might say, “Every kid is playing a lot of games these days. He’ll grow out of it.”
Compassionate Support:
You understand that your child's excessive use of video games is a seriously impacting them. You express gentle and non-judgmental concern. You provide support for steps like counseling or therapy, to address the root cause. You also provide emotional support and let your child know that you are there for them every step of the way.
Enabling Example:
You’ve told your child that they cannot play video games if they have late work. They’re upset because the new game they pre-ordered just released, and they don’t have their late work in. You give in to their demands because you feel bad that they are missing out and know how excited they were.
Compassionate Support:
You understand that your child can become very invested in their video games, but you also know that it's important to stick to limits you have set. You validate their emotions and encourage completing their work so they can play. For instance, you may say, “I know you’re disappointed and really wanted to play. I want you to play too, and let’s focus on getting your work done so that can happen.” You also let them know that you love and care about them, even when you have to enforce rules that they don't like.
Breaking the Cycle: The 3-Steps to Compassionate Boundaries
Now that you have some reference for the difference between enabling and compassionate support, let’s help you give the empathy and understanding that you would like while still providing the structure your children need. Here are the three steps to using Compassionate Boundaries along with examples:
Step 1: Show Understanding and Validating As a parent, you might say something like, "I understand that video games are fun and it's easy to get caught up in playing them. But it's important to balance that with schoolwork and other responsibilities."
Step 2: Set Limits and Consequences Next, you could set a clear boundary and consequence: "From now on, you can only play video games after you've finished all your homework and studying for the day. If your grades don't improve in the next month, we'll need to limit your gaming time even further."
Step 3: Express Love Finally, it's important to express love and support for your child. You might say something like, "I love you and want you to succeed in school and in life. By limiting your gaming time, we're helping you develop good habits and prioritize your responsibilities."
By using these three steps, you can set compassionate boundaries that show your child that you care about their success, while also helping them develop good habits and take responsibility for their actions.
Conclusion:
As a parent, it can be difficult to watch your child struggle with addiction, and it can be difficult to know how to provide understanding and support without enabling. Enabling is a behavior that can inadvertently support and reinforce an addiction, making it more difficult for the addicted person to overcome their addiction. It often stems from good intentions, but it can actually be harmful in the long run. It's important to recognize that enabling comes from a place of love and concern, and it's important to provide that love and support without enabling. This is a delicate balance, but it's possible to strike by using Compassionate Boundary Setting. By showing understanding and validating, setting limits and consequences, and expressing love and support, you can set compassionate boundaries that show your child that you care about their success while also helping them develop good habits and take responsibility for their actions. Remember that you are not alone, and there is support available for both you and your child. Are you in need of support? Check out my free resources below!
