How to Speak With Your Partner about their Video Game/Technology Use
As mentioned in my last blog, more and more frequently, I’ve seen couples struggle with the issue of video game addiction. The excessive use of video games can cause conflicts, neglect of responsibilities, and can affect the relationship negatively. If you are in a relationship with someone who you feel is addicted to video games, it's important to approach the conversation in a non-judgmental and understanding way. My own relationships had been significantly impacted by my video game use, and I know first hand how uncomfortable discussions around this can be. Don't worry, I've been reflecting on what would have helped me snap out of it, and I’ve got your back.
Let's face it, it can be a tough pill to swallow when we feel like our partners are more invested in virtual worlds than our real-life relationship. The feeling of neglect and unimportance can be devastating, and it's natural to want to lash out at our partners for their video game habits. It can feel very unfair to have to put so much effort into the relationship that doesn’t feel reciprocated. Almost every partner of a video game addict has had these same feelings and for good reason. At the same time, if you react on these feelings it is a sure path to more argument and disconnect. An important question to ask yourself here is, “Even with these feelings, am I willing to try to communicate differently to have a chance at a better relationship?” If yes, then great! Continue on with the tips below. If not, that’s okay too. Next week’s blog will cover alternative steps beyond trying to form a closer relationship.
Here's how to talk to your partner about their video game use without inciting gamer rage:
Address and regulate your own feelings: It’s unwise to try to approach the topic during a moment where you’re actively feeling hurt, frustrated, angry, or neglected. Instead, I’d recommend “Striking While the Iron is Cold”. Choose a moment where you’re feeling pretty good, and bonus points if your partner is in a good mood as well. It is also wise to try to process these feelings prior to the conversation. Some great ways to do this are to speak to a friend, journal (Try using the prompt: “How are you feeling about your partner’s technology use? With that being the case, what reason do you have to want to try to approach them with empathy and caring?”), speak to a therapist, or thinking through it while doing any kind of physically intense activity.
Show that you care: It's important to let your partner know that you care about them and the relationship. Let them know that you want to find a solution that works for both of you and that you're not trying to take away their hobby, you just want to make sure it doesn't take over the relationship.
Be open-minded and listen: Your partner may have their own reasons for excessive gaming and it's important to understand where they're coming from. Listen to their perspective and try to find a solution that works for both of you. And remember, video games are not the enemy, they're just a tool that can be used in an excessive way.
After steps 1, 2, and 3 (and only after), use "I" statements to communicate your feelings and needs: Instead of accusing or placing blame on your partner, use "I" statements to express your perspective and emotions. For example, "I feel sad and neglected when you spend so much time playing video games because it doesn’t give me space to connect with someone I appreciate so much." This allows your partner to understand how their actions are impacting you without feeling attacked.
Avoid ultimatums and collaborate on boundaries: Avoid using ultimatums such as "stop playing video games or I'll leave" as it can create a defensive attitude in your partner and may lead to further conflicts. Instead, try to find a compromise and set boundaries together. For instance, you could state how much time you would like to have with your partner per week and ask them to share how much time they would like. Similarly, you can invite them to tell you how much time they would like to play games per week. Use this information to agree upon a boundary. Another good question to ask is: “If you’re finding it hard to stick to this, what should we do about it?” This will allow your partner to provide a consequence or course of action for you to take in the event that they are having a hard time sticking to the boundary.
Sticking to boundaries (What to do when and if your partner returns to old habits): It is important to understand that in any change, it is normal to return to old habits. Many partners get into trouble when they expect their partner to not need reminders, then end up in an argument. Afterall, good boundaries have two parts: a boundary, and a consequence for crossing that boundary. It’s important to note that a consequence is not a punishment, and you do not want to put yourself in the position of parenting your partner. In this case, one natural consequence is that you’re likely feeling hurt or frustrated, and that needs to be communicated. If you discussed a consequence in the step above, you can also enact that here. Once again, it’s okay and normal to have a variety of feelings around this, and it’s important to communicate in a caring way without blame. Try to have a conversation about why the boundary was crossed and how to prevent it from happening again in the future. Remember that the goal is to find a solution that works for both parties and to maintain a healthy and balanced relationship. Below is a quick example for how to start that conversation:
"Hey, I noticed that you've been playing video games for a lot longer than we agreed on. I know that games are really enjoyable for you and it can be hard to stick to new changes. Even though I understand that, I really care about our relationship and I’m feeling a bit hurt that we are not spending as much time with each other again. Can we talk about how to get back on track?”Seek professional help: If you're struggling to find a solution or if the addiction is causing severe problems in the relationship, consider seeking professional help. A therapist can help both of you understand the underlying causes of the addiction and develop a plan to overcome it.
Lastly, below is an example to start this conversation that includes all of these steps:
"I understand that you enjoy playing video games, and I want you to have that time. I care about our relationship and want to make sure we're still making time for each other. I feel neglected and unimportant when I see you spending so much time on video games because I really appreciate spending time with you, and it feels like I haven’t really been able to connect. Can we work together to find a balance?"
Remember, video game addiction is a complex issue and it's important to approach it with understanding and compassion. By using these tips and seeking professional help, you can work together to find a solution that works for both of you and improve your relationship. And who knows, you might even discover a new hobby together, like a couch co-op game.
